tmr is the day, it's The Day I'm abt to shift to my own apartment. lol some may think I'm fucking lucky, well, no doubt I am. but that doesn't mean i'm happy, sadly. I'm definitely grateful though don't misunderstand, grateful that my parents can afford, and have faith in me that I can get a job here. but, there's always a but, will I be able to handle the loneliness? I love being in a sort of noisy home, it gives me the sense of home I guess. it makes me feel that I'm not alone in this foreign land, and that no matter what, I wont feel lonely. I guess I'm afraid of being lonely cause I used to be left at home alone with my used-to-be-a-jackass brother cause my parents were always having events and functions. and I used to make long phone calls to friends then. so, seriously, sigh.. I hope I can go through this. after a week, I'll be heading back to Msia though thankfully. but what abt after that?
there comes a time where escaping doesn't work at all, and this is the time where it's clearly inescapable.
I have friends here that seem to care, I know I shouldn't expect them to be the same as those who've left, let me down. but it's just a wound that I'm unable to mend, and I'm just too afraid of letting anyone else in. because I know I can't take anymore of these shit. honestly it's full of bull; not all friends, not everyone. but those who make it so tough to be kept as one! why is it so hard to have friends that u can trust? or why is it so hard to satisfy ur friends? there's a saying, "the one you love, would hurt u the deepest". this is so true. because, u somehow tend to expect more from someone u are close to, someone u love. and when that expectations been let down, disappointments arise and damage has been done. some are able to mend back using needles and the right colour of the thread, some are able to mend back but it's like a broken mirror- u would see cracks and mayb the elephant glue u applied too much that started to ooz out; and some, just burns like a cigarette and all u can do is to buy new ones which, I might add, would cost u a bomb over here. LOL don't know where i'm leading to anymore. but I guess the reasons for whatever things that has happened and happening to us, good or bad, we would eventually find out. just a matter of time. instead of forcing urself to understand what's fated, I guess we just have to accept it and trust that God has a better plan ahead for us. can't keep holding on to the past, instead we've gotta keep moving forward. sigh..
I.Need.To.Grow.Up.SetMyMindStraight.
and, I will, eventually. =')
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